“One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don’t. And it feels like someone’s cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.”—The Tracey Fragments
“You have to learn
how to be gentle with yourself.
That you are more than
a tornado of genetics and mistakes.
How to work hard and take care of yourself.
That love takes pieces
of you with it; accept that you may
receive nothing in return.
People are horrible and sad and rotten,
but you cannot let it harden you.
She taught you to hate yourself,
but you must teach her how to love.
That your parents are not perfect.
That you are not perfect.
That it will all be okay.”—Michelle K., Things I’ve Learned In 2013.
I flinch when most people touch me
and I don’t know why.
There are days where I dream of someone coming
into my life and holding my hand with so much intention,
with so much of forever in their fingertips -
that my fear of everything seems to slip away.
there are the days where I
cannot imagine a single finger grazing my cheek
without me being terrified
of everything around me,
of the way hands can break bones
and drown love,
of the way endings are inevitable.
I flinch when most people touch me
and I don’t know why.
I am frightened by the idea of being alone
and the idea of being with someone
that I don’t know how to balance love or life
and everything that intersects.
I flinch when most people touch me and I don’t know why,
all I know is that
I need your fingers running through my hair
the way I need to forget what it means to be left,
I just finished my last genetics practical and I didn’t finish. I knew how to do everything and still didn’t have enough time. Fuck. I was doing so well in genetics. I pretty much had an A in the class, until these last two exams. I ran out of time of the last lecture midterm and I ran out of time again today. I am not willing to get a B in this fucking class just because I fuck up when the tests are purposefully made longer because the averages are too high. Time to study my ass off even more for the final on Monday.
“I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2am, I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.”—Anna Peters
1. Stop faking your fucking orgasms. Society already tells young men that they run the fucking universe - if they can’t turn your cunt into a shooting star then for god’s sake, let them know about it.
2. Once you’ve stopped faking your fucking orgasms, use this newfound honesty throughout the rest of your life - stop ordering coffee you don’t actually like; stop sitting at a desk and allowing people to treat you like shit in the hopes that a meek attitude will earn you a promotion (it won’t); stop telling people they can finish your food when you’re not actually done yet. These may seem petty, but they add up, just like every orgasm you didn’t actually get to have.
3. If you wanna dance all night, dance all fucking night. Dance all night even if you have work in the morning. The worst that will happen is you’ll drink RedBull all day and look like a zombie - pass it off as a head cold to the real zombies you work with and flick through the embarrassing photos you’re being tagged in as you pretend to take a shit for some peace and quiet. I promise, you’ll remember dancing all night in ten years, not the suspicious way your boss looked at you that morning.
4. If your ass looks big in that, that’s a good thing.
5. You will never be as young as you are this second. Embrace it.
6. Embrace the fact that you’re going to get older. Ask your boyfriend if he will still love you when you’re seventy and your tits are down to your knees. Look forward to this time - seventy year old women are allowed to do pretty much whatever they want, and no-one can stop them. You can carry candy in your bag and not share it with a single soul. You can stay home all day and cross-stitch expletives onto handkerchiefs for your grandchildren and slip them under the table out of sight of the people you raised. You can drink whisky at 10am. Every phase of your life is going to be amazing for different reasons. Embrace that.
7. A lot of people will pretend to love Bukowski. Don’t pretend to love Bukowski if you don’t love Bukowski. It’s overplayed and no-one will mind if you actually like Virginia Andrews instead - the people who do mind are boring.
Do you like the university of the pacific? If you go to the university of the pacific as pre-pharm for undergrad, do you have to take the PCAT?
I actually do like going to University of the Pacific. There are both pros and cons to coming here and there were times that I used to regret my choice, but overall, I’m happy with how things are. Stockton isn’t the greatest city. There’s not that much to do here sometimes, but things are more fun if you have a good group of friends. I met some really great people in my dorms and in organizations on campus. I joined Rho Pi Phi, which is a professional pharmacy fraternity, and have met some of the most amazing people. And some of my best friends are people that I met in my classes. That’s something that I really like about it here. It’s really easy to meet new people and actually stay friends with them. It’s a pretty small campus, so if you meet someone new, they don’t just disappear into a sea of unrecognizable faces. It’s also nice because everyone in the program has the same requirements, so you’ll usually have friends or know people in the classes that you’re taking, so you’ll never really be struggling through the classes by yourself. There’s always someone to ask if you need help.
Which brings me to something else that I like about it here. The professors are always really available to help you since the class sizes are usually pretty small compared to other universities. I personally love almost all of the professors in the biology department. They are really approachable and it’s always really easy to meet with them during office hours for help. The classes you’re going to be taking here are hard. I’m not going to lie about that. But they are going to be hard at any university you choose to go to. The subject matter in ochem, microbio, or anatomy is pretty extensive no matter where you go and it takes studying and a lot of work to do well in these classes. Sometimes, people have a natural inclination to these subjects and they don’t have to try as hard to do well. I’m not sure if you’re one of those people, but I wasn’t. And ochem kicked my butt. I’m not sure I would have passed if I wasn’t able visit my professors on what was almost a daily basis to ask questions. I also went to tutoring on campus to get help and had really smart friends to study with for ochem. The bio classes were better for me since I’m a bio major in the pre-pharm program and I actually enjoyed studying for those classes compared to chem. It’s hard, but very doable. You just have to be willing to put in the effort to study the material.
And talking to the professors has it’s other benefits. It opens up a lot of opportunities for research. I currently have a position held for me to do research with a genetics professor next semester. I know people who started research early on in their undergrad years and were published before they graduated. There are so many opportunities to work with different professors in the science departments here, and you could also research with professors in the pharmacy school while you’re still in undergrad. A good friend of mine spent the summer after his junior year in Stockton researching at the pharmacy school. And one of my fraternity brothers is planning on researching at the pharmacy school next semester while she finishes out her last semester of undergrad.
As an undergrad in the pre-pharmacy program, you do not have to take the PCAT. It’s not required of you if you’re applying to the Thomas J. Long School of Pharmacy. But if you want to apply to other pharmacy schools, then you will probably have to take it. I’ve met transfers who go to the pharmacy school here, but went to undergrad somewhere else and it just opened my eyes to how lucky I am to be in this program. It’s a lot more competitive if you’re not in the program. In the pre-pharm program, the bare minimum you have to do is maintain your GPA, pass the writing sample, and pass the interview. Sometimes pre-pharms don’t make it to pharmacy school because they didn’t meet the GPA requirements or they didn’t pass their interviews, but our process is still much less competitive than the transfers who have to do a lot more to stand out against each other in their applications. If you are dead set on going to the Thomas J. Long School of Pharmacy, then this program is great. There are a lot of advantages. But if you’re not sure, I encourage you to explore your options. The application process may be easier for us, but the program itself isn’t easy. The classes are still hard. Don’t think that once you’re in the pre-pharm program, you’re guaranteed to go to pharmacy school. You still have to meet the requirements and sometimes that’s difficult to do in 2 years (if you’re in the 2+3 program).
Sorry I wrote so much. The general gist of it all is that I love it here. I met the best people and I think my professors are great. As much as I love it though, the classes still kick my ass and it is hard work. But it’s all worth for me because I know that I want to go pharmacy school here. If there’s anything else you want to know about campus life here or the program itself, feel free to ask me any other questions you might have.
“I don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe in seeing someone from across the room and knowing instantly that they’re going to matter to you. They’re going to play a major role in your life.”—Ryan O’Connell, Something Like A Love Poem
“While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close.”—Jeanette Winterson (via connotativewords)
You know, ever since I first met him, I always thought, ‘Man, I hope I don’t mess this up.’ Because that’s what I do. I mess things up. But you know what I never thought? I never thought ‘I hope this doesn’t mess me up’.
This seminar class I’m taking is fucking awful. It literally makes me want to shoot myself and I have no idea why it’s a requirement for a degree.
I’ve pretty much been staring at an empty screen for almost an hour trying to figure out how I’m going to write a 12 page paper about my ethical life. Even my professor seems to think most of the class is bullshit. Someone please kill me now,
when the sky was so clear
you’d stand obnoxious underneath it
begging for stars to shoot you
just so you could feel at home.
I know about the ways you misplaced all the right words,
stockpiled every important social cue you ever missed
from the first time you learned you were wrong,
waited to make it right
once everyone stopped watching.
I know you let them beat up your beauty in bed
because redemption was still alive in you, howling relentless, gathering strength.
Felt like ecstasy when they pounded it out of you in the hard dark.
Those days of dead weather
got all strung together
and they spoke for you,
wore you down to telling everyone here it was a good life
so you could run back into the wails of your windfight.
I know the parts of your past that haunt you the most
are the days you weren’t being yourself,
and I know that’s why most of your past haunts you.
There were so many who found you out,
and they were right.
You were good.
”—Buddy Wakefield, Healing Hermann Hesse (excerpt)